The Nerve

Of some people. Just the other day, one of her friends criticized me for being petty, and I highly resent that. Hell, I shouldn't even tolerate it. Look.

I feel I still have a right to all this. Besides all the little things, she decided to go "find herself" the very day that marked our anniversary, just before the talent show that she knew was coming in which I was to perform a song that was about, inspired by, and to be sung for her. And the fact she accused me of trying to guilt trip her when all I was effing doing was asking her to stay. So ... fuck it. Let her try all this on some other guys. I wish them luck; but at least I'm not gonna be the fool.

And the quote of the day occurred when Simon's PE locker fell apart piece-by-piece right beside me.

*Alex and I are laughing as the metal cage where the lock should go falls out and clatters to the cement ground in the boy's locker room*
Simon: What the fuck?
Riker: What happened to your locker?
Simon: I don't fucking know. ... How do I get it fixed?

And, of course, from the football game on Saturday. Rather, after the actual game itself, when Charlie and Christian were messing around outside the locker room and Chuck nearly pushes Christian down an outdoor staircase.

Christian: "Those are stairs, motherfucker!"

Oh, the joys of my life.

A Blessing In Disguise ... That I Might Not Take Back

There's a lot of things that I missed being able to do that I didn't even realize as of late. There are quite a few different rap artists I've been missing out on that, really, I'd've been listening to and been unable to share with a previous person in my life because they would've snubbed their nose at it. Being out with friends all weekend, every weekend is another, and it's fun to finally be able to. God, it's been way too long.

The football game today was a tie against our rivals, Anchor Point Christian -- and, as I said, we tied: 40-40. It was a great game and a great way to finish up this exciting (and, final) season (at least for all of my friends and me.) I got all my stuff together and dressed as a vampire, got out there and trick-or-treated with friends ... and, surprisingly enough, even earned some candy!

So, Cameron, Charlie, Christian, Samantha, Kelly and I all went back to Christian's and ordered a pizza, then sat down to watch the god-awful 2008 release of Day of the Dead (with Nick Cannon, no less), ate our pizza, and then popped in SuperCroc. Whoo-hoo ... what terrible, terrible scary movies. Then, just to tease Sam and Kelly, we put in Dead Space just to eff with them a little. Christian had me playing through the first few levels to try to get them scared. Ultimately, it failed, whatwith the humor I was bringing to it (having already played through the whole game twice already. xD)

So, yeah. Tonight was wicked-fun. And the talent show was effin' amazing, too--all the girls (and guys) went crazy for it, and I got a /lot/ of clapping and hugs all around.

But, really; it's nice to get all of this off my chest. I was just commenting to Christian over Skype last night just how happy I am now that things are all over with her and how much I've been able to accomplish without her. In a sad twist of fate, I don't know yet if I'll be as inviting as I said I'd be when she comes back around again. I mean, she left me during a time that would've been amazing for her to experience with me and help me through but, since I was able to do it all without her, ... what's the point in going back to her again? I'm perfectly capable by myself and, frankly, that could be her very downfall.

And in /another/ cruel twist of fate, I just fell into a hundred and fifty bucks my dad gave me extra to help pay for a trip "to the East Coast to see a certain someone" next summer. I told him I'd deeply consider it and took the money. But now I've just got to figure out what I want to do with it ... hmmmm ...

EDIT: Plus, it's a lot easier on my mind now to totally not care what she does with who. Together or not, it sorta angers you or even saddens you (depending on the situation) to know that another person's gonna try to replace you with somebody else and that that other person is going to, in essence, get or have everything you've gotten or had that you don't really want to give up, but it's thoughts like that that can drive a man crazy. So I've stopped. Frankly, she can be with whoever and do whatever with whomever she'd like. I don't care.

Haha.

And the reason I don't care is simple: because I'll be doin' the exact same thing and lovin' it.

Decisions of the Wild

Now, I've got to make a pretty big decision about what I want to do with my money. I've got quite a bit amassed, but it was all to help towards paying for a trip out to the east coast to see a special someone this summer. Now ... now I can use it on stuff I'll actually be needing. I mean, why keep the money aside any more? Obviously, the promise of me eventually making it out there hasn't kept her interested long enough, so why should I [seemingly] waste so much money on something like that now? Why should I set any money aside for that? If it wasn't at the top of her wishful thinking list, why should it be at the top of my priorities any longer?

So the first question I've got to reason with myself is whether to spend it now or to keep saving it. Ultimately, this leads to the second question (since I've got a pretty good grasp of the first): what should I then do with it? I dunno yet, but I'll figure something out, and I'll make it incredibly worth it for all you viewers out there. I already chipped into buying a new soundcard and speakers for audio recording, so that helped make a dent in things.

And with a raise of the wine glass, I bid you all farewell, good luck, and good night.

Different Ends of the Spectrum

Damn, it's been awhile. I figure that when all else fails, you need to go back to what you know best -- and, for me, that happens to be heading back to the blog that, in essence, started it all. So, in reality, here goes.

When I talked to my friends about advice I should have when Jessica had decided to break things off with me, I first went to Chelsea who helped immensely in giving me the female perspective, calming me down, and getting me in a more-understanding, less-angry state of mind. Which was great, because it helped me write up an understanding message to Jessica before we officially started finishing things off.

The second person I went to was Christian and when I talked to him, I, of course, expected him to back me up like a brother. When I explain everything to him, his initial response was: "Man, I can't believe she'd do something like that. What's wrong with her ... how could she?" Which was also comforting, and made me laugh a little. Christian, being my best friend, certainly knows how to accomplish something like that, and I really, really respect that.

The third person I went to was dear old mother, since she's been having relationship issues, too, lately, and, frankly, who else do you turn to (no matter how old you are) than your own mom? She talked things out and sort of held the ground between Christian's disbelief and Chelsea's understanding, perhaps putting things in the perfect realm between "while it's not really clear exactly why, it makes some sense." That's something I can live with.

So the fourth person I go to is Charlie. And I explain to him the amazing double-standard where I was forced to promise never to leave like I did the first time, and yet she has the nerve to pull the exact same thing on me, in the exact same way, almost mockingly ... and Charlie gives me the most amazing explanation I have ever heard for any of my problems ever. I explain everything to him and he looks me straight in the eye as he gives me his response. And you know what he says? "She just wants something in her vagina. Y'know, something in her vagina, something to touch and stimulate the clit?"

And then we laughed.
'Cause it was a fucking amazing moment. xD And it was such an awkward and unexpected thing for him to even so much as suggest.

Oh, Charlie.

The Shadow Journal

Reaper here, just updating to let you know I'm starting a new videogame review-based blog over here on Blogger, over at The Shadow Journal with periodic updates (obviously) on its blip.tv page.

Check it out now and keep checking back for me!

--Reaper

Anthem (Pt. 3)

More religion, seeing as how I just moderated comments on the last one even though they were about a month old. I get peoples' points, but this has to be the single best thing that I have ever seen illustrating my absolute doubt in "faith" or even the Bible:

Anthem (Pt. 2)

I am not a Christian, I do not tout myself as being a Christian, and I do not believe that God will come down and unleash the Rapture upon all of his people.

That said, I'm not without some beliefs of my own, formed through some weird sense of gut feelings and ... faith? Odd coming from someone who basically just denounced the next step in an entire religion's chain of things to look forward to but true nonetheless. I believe in a higher power. The God that Christians have made out to be? No. I believe in a higher spirit, sure, but not their version of God, not in the slightest.

The Bible is a book. It was not handed down from God himself -- it was written by men. I find it intriguing how so many people can blindly go to church and follow scriptures written by people just like them thousands of years ago and live their lives based around these passages. It baffles me, really. I'm one of those who doesn't believe the Rapture is going to occur. I don't believe that the hand of God is going to come down and teach all the non-believers who's boss. Do I believe in miracles? Sure, but I attribute them to either chance, fate, my version of a "higher power", or one of a many other mechanics floating out there in the cosmos that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around.

Early morning rant over.

No more religion.

It's the biggest leap of faith and spread of lies ever told. All religion has ever done is make people miserable enough to be concerned for the rest of their lives or made them feel comfortably numb up until their dying days when their faith finally wavers and they realized things weren't at all what they seemed. Man.

Fruit on the Vine

I'll admit it, honestly and truly:--
I'm human, I make errors and I feel bad about them.
I jump to hasty conclusions and say or do things not befitting of me because I haven't gathered all possible angles to the story at the time.
My anger swells and, though it definitely doesn't make me violent, it makes me bitter, cold, and disconnected.
I have my faults and I try to hide them with make-up and slander.
I'm not a perfect person but, believe-it-or-not, I try my hardest to make myself as perfect as possible.

I'm usually not one to ask for forgiveness because this also doesn't seem befitting of my character.
I do things I didn't want to to do until the right answer comes along, and then I feel ashamed for spilling myself before the time comes.

Sometimes detachment can be the better brother of disassociation. Then again, they're one and the same.

Sometimes confessions can even make one feel better about him/herself, but it's not doing wonders for me. Maybe it's because I'm being cryptic. Or maybe it's because I don't believe in what I'm saying any more.

Happiness stems from disillusionment and fades into sadness, sadness into depression, and depression into anger. It's a bitter cycle, for once your anger subsides, you have to fill that hole with something new, something fresh -- a new vice, a new happiness.

And thus the vicious cycle is said and done. A vicious cycle that no one can win at.

Anthem (Pt. 1)

They say that you should never talk about religion, politics, money, or sex in a public forum.

I plan on breaking all four of those taboo in this very entry.

Honestly, I don't see people's problems with the election. And I'm tired of talking to people about how fair / unfair the effing election was -- yes, there were people that voted Obama because they liked his policies. There were people that voted McCain because they preferred his policies over Obama's. Some voted for Obama because he was black, some voted for McCain because he's white. In essence, this cancels out. No, I'm not going to argue with anybody that this sparks debate -- it cancels out. It cancels out because everybody has their own reason for voting ... who am I to argue? I know black people that have voted Obama because he was black and people that voted for McCain because they still liked his policies better than Obama's. Do you think they're avoiding the stereotypical social stigmas surrounded by a black person voting for a black president and instead opted to vote for McCain just so that they wouldn't seem racially inclined to look otherwise? In essence, are we the ones injecting race into a situation? Should they actually be called hypocrites for not voting for a black president after all?

No.

And I'm tired of people getting up and arms. The inauguration was a wonderful thing, it truly was, and Barack's speech simply blew me away. He's an amazing orator, I'll definitely give him that, and he's appealed to me greatly over his long stint as president-elect-and-prior. But then I have people that refused to watch the inauguration altogether, numerous people, in fact -- but why? What's their problem? Sure, this wouldn't be nearly as big a deal if Obama wasn't black, but the fact that he is escalates this thing out of proportion. Do not try to pass off the fact that he is the first African-American president as nothing, for that angers me more than anything. If Hilary had won the candidacy and the presidency, this event would be eerily similar, it truly would. And people need to accept the fact that not everybody voted based on race and, even if they did, the point is that Obama was elected president and he is the 44th president of these United States of America, and he's black at that. Period.

I've ranted before about religion and I don't really want to repeat myself. The first line about taboo was really only to get everybody fired up and ready. I'll talk about religion next time, perhaps making this entry in four installments.

Yes ... yes ...

--Reaper

Shut Me Out

An odd thing's been happening and I can't quite understand it.

I'm not angry, I'm not disappointed, and I'm not upset (at least not any more, anyways.) Things just seem ... odd. And I can't quite put my finger on what's out of place. I need to focus on what I want to accomplish and stop dwelling on this tiny, little, niggling things at the back of my head. I need to write, I need to get money in my bank account, I need to do well in school -- I've put ultimate goals like this off for so long in my head that it almost seems as if they've drowned back in my subconscious somewhere along the way.

This was especially not the ideal weekend for me, either. Suffice it to say, things most certainly did not go according to plan. Since tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day, however, we have it off from school which'll give me some time to think, plan, and do things that I've been wanting to for quite some time now.

I wasn't angry, disappointed, or upset. And I guess I'm still not. I just feel ... bland. It's the sort of mood that you'd enunciate by shrugging your shoulders and storming off the set. I was on the phone earlier and she told me that I was being quiet. She told me to say something, but I really didn't want to. I didn't want to have to say anything. In the end, that conversation ended with a phone click and my phone nested somewhere in the bed behind me amongst the sheets and pillows.

Well, I guess I'll get to writing and organizing crap on my computer. Maybe get to the Cowboy Bebop AMV I've been planning on finishing for the past few months now. Oh, and a new mySpace playlist:

1 -- "What I Want" by Daughtry (feat. Slash)
2 -- "Hell" by Foo Fighters
3 -- "Done With You" by Papa Roach
4 -- "Shallow Bay" by Breaking Benjamin
5 -- "Santa Monica" by Theory of a Deadman

Check it.

--Reaper

Anti-Gravity

"Dear Diary,

I've come to the realization that while I haven't updated my blog in quite some time, it's certainly time for a change. 2005 and 2006 were years for personal reflections and updates, 2007 was a year for game reviews, and 2008 was a year to accomplish absolutely jackshit. In the end, though, another year has come and gone and I need to resuscicate this lifeless thing in the grand ol' year of 2009.

Whether you agree or not, this is exactly what I plan on doing. I have no good way to start and I don't want this to become some rambling garbage filled with poetry you will never read, more reviews you simply just won't care about, or absolutely random updates from my personal life that you even further just won't give a good Goddamn about. Alright. In order to break every rule I've just laid out for myself, I'm going to try to recap 2008 ... by memory:

January: Made a Gods Of Time account by suggestion of Maricia. It was a fun little distraction to waste my life away on while I waited for the posts-that-never-came in my lifeless Gaia Online role-play, Fated Souls. At around the same time, I launched a precursor role-play under the subcategory / storyline / timeline of Infinite Grounds. During this month I also signed up for and began playing on my Hellgate: London account. Nothing of personal note for this month, diary -- I was too busy locked in my room sucking down sodas by the 12-pack and snacking on chips to care.

February: 'Spent the majority of this month quitting my above addictions and moving on, contributing to the Lettuce Talk Steinbeck community project, becoming one of the selected representatives from my school. This project helped discuss the "lettuce curtain" between the Salinas and Monterey areas as well as Steinbeck's influence across Salinas and even downtown Cannery Row. I've also realized just how less goofy-looking and much cooler-acting I've become from February 2008 to now.

March: Considered signing up, applying for, and heading out to a UC campus for COSMOS training but ultimately decided not to, primarily because of a lack of motivation and, to use an identical word, a severe feeling of lethargy. Nothing much to note that I can recall. According to a mySpace blog entry of mine, this is also the same month that a tragic school dance went terribly, terribly irritating. And this was before the gigantic fallout, mind you. In this same month I question Mrs. Parker's decision to lump together the beginners and advanced musicians of the group as well as admit that I has no chance to be with the new girl I had set my sights on. I also discuss a hilarious future April Fool's Joke I had discussed with Tony and Alex about changing up the scripts for Charlie's movie-project ... but only Melissa and Meagan's parts. xD Haha, yes -- now I remember ...

April: Follow-up Lettuce Talk reviews, followed by miscellaneous letters in my inbox from Kelly and Melissa about whatever-the-hell we had been talking about in English Honors 3H at the time on our forums. But whatever. Nothing of further note here.

May: On my other blog, I talk once more about how I had started to write a song for said girl but looked back at it and couldn't piece it together quite right since I couldn't push this crush from my mind but in the following entry I pick myself up from the rubble to fight another day. In the following entry I bash myself just a few days later, asking myself why I even try any more. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. Sheesh. And to think she wasn't even effing worth it.

June: My birthmonth. We got out of school. I scrounged about with friends, did crazy crap, and blew money on stuff I didn't need. Nothing out of the ordinary.

July: Realized that the one fatal flaw I had made in that the previous relationships I had had in the past year-or-so wasn't that I wasn't succeeding, but that my heart wasn't there. And that my heart wasn't there because it hadn't sought closure. Why hadn't it sought closure? Because it didn't want closure; it wanted rejuvenation. It wanted to be reborn, to feel what it had the first time around. To enjoy the excitement I had felt this time around.

So I got back into contact with Jess. I did, I most certainly did, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I was dumb for letting things go the way they did in the past and I needed to make sure that that wouldn't haunt me for the rest of my life. I didn't want her to look back one day, whoever she might've wound up with, and say "gee, I wonder whatever happened to that one guy. The one that dropped everything and stopped talking to me even though I told him I forgave him for what he did if he'd just talk things out with me and not run off like a little girl."

This was the same time period that I picked up classes at the local community college once again, namely in C++ computer programming. Huzzah.

August: School started up once again. I was talking with her more and more now. Things had picked up right off the bat from when we first started talking mid-July and I was happier than I ever had been prior to this. My Yahoo! mailbox is filled with random chain letters from friends and family at this point.

September: "It had been the single worst decision I had made in my entire life.

It tore at me and tore at me and I couldn't get to the bottom of why. I knew I had left for a reason, but the reason wasn't as clear-cut as I thought it should've been. I wanted to explain more, but I didn't know how to explain it. I was at a complete loss for words. Every time I would sit down to write something to her, I'd wind up throwing away the paper because it just wasn't good enough for her. The words I was thinking of simply didn't do her justice. They weren't deserving of her presence.

I had loved her from the bottom of my heart. People questioned why I had ridden triumphantly off into the sunset in the first place and, by-the-by, I really couldn't give them an answer. I'd shrug it off and pretend I was the bigger person … but I wasn't. I couldn't get her off my mind. Every single night I'd toss and turn as a junkie would away from his heroin. It had to be one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced. It was the exact opposite of how I had felt prior to the break-up; the twisting and turning wasn't grievous and forced, but had been loving and unbelievable.

There are two very different reasons for not being able to get to sleep. The first stems from a love beyond anything imaginable; seeing this person even when your eyes are closed, wishing they could be there with you as you drift off into unconsciousness, even for just another night. But then there's the second form, the kind I had experienced directly afterwards – the kind that makes you wonder just what in the hell is truly wrong with you, twisting and turning and mentally berating yourself for doing something so stupid. You begin to wonder how you could've ruined such a good thing.

Time went on and though I felt she had probably moved on, I knew I hadn't. This killed me. I'd occasionally pop up and leave a kind word in disguise whenever the opportunity arose, but I tried to keep myself distant even though I didn't want to. I didn't figure there was any way of recovering and I wasn't going to interfere with her life over a mistake based on a stupid choice I had made weeks before, then months before, then … even a year beforehand.

Eventually it all became too much to handle. The separation anxiety had completely dulled me from the inside-out and I wasn't truly happy with life or anything that had been going on around me. It was time to drop the façade and step out of my cage; to answer for what I had done. So I reopened the landline of communication and the rest tumbled out like an avalanche down a snowy incline. I couldn't believe the grace that had been laid right before my eyes.

She still loves me.

And my jaw hit the ground.
And then a smile reached my face – a smile like I hadn't smiled in years.

I realized this had been the single best decision I had made in my entire life."

October: Very cool Halloween. I dressed up as The Joker (not entirely inventive, but I believe I pulled it off quite well.) I also paraded the local mall to scare small children on the night thereof, so this was also an extremely cool added bonus. I also begin pondering life even more. Philosophizing, even.

November: Turkey-day. We made fun of Melissa at school, called her a turkey, and Jeremy wound up getting hit a lot. Most of the things I say get taken out on Jeremy anyway -- we have this kind of ... mutual agreement about this kind of thing, I suppose. I feel something else crucial happened this month, but, alas, it escapes me.

December: I pick up poetry once again, I get Christmas presents from everybody, I've jump-started my bank account by this point, I've got a wonderful relationship and a great way to bring in the New Year.

So, diary, in summary how do you think the half of my 2008 non-occupied by this wonderful lass turned out, hm?

--Reaper"